Daniel Gilbert, Ph.D., a Harvard psychologist, says that Americans do a tremendous amount of “miswanting.” We keep wanting things that will never make us happy. For example, practically everyone wants to be rich and thin. Yet, he points out, studies show that having enough money for the basic necessities of life—food, clothing and shelter, which cost maybe $40,000 a year—is all we really need for happiness. The effect of the next $10 million is negligible.
This tells us that although we fervently believe that something we can touch, like piles of cash or cellulite-free thighs, is going to light up our hearts, the truth is that we usually don’t know what will make us happy. Worse, we don’t know that we don’t know, so we ardently pursue the wrong things.
How can you turn things around? How can you get to the bottom of it and find true happiness? For starters, you must make peace with what makes you unhappy. How about your body? How about the sense of trying to do too much but getting nothing accomplished? How about your stressful relationship with your mother? Here, you’ll find advice to help you make peace with all of the above.
Your body
Many women have a completely unrealistic picture of what they are supposed to look like: a composite image based on 5-foot-9-inch models (with 5-foot-7-inch legs), movie stars sashaying down the red carpet, criticism from others that they’ve absorbed and now turned on themselves and an unrelenting blast of insane information from our culture. Think of the Extreme Makeover TV show. Its message: Happiness depends on what you look like, and with enough cuts of the knife, you, too, can be happy.
“It’s time to challenge long-held beliefs about what will make us happy,” says Geneen Roth, author of six books on emotional eating and a memoir, The Craggy Hole in My Heart and the Cat Who Fixed It. “This means questioning the harsh litany of self-criticism—about our thighs, arms, facial features—that plays in our heads all day long.”
To stop such negative chatter, try the following two-step process:
1.Next time you have the chance (at a grocery store, a mall, a health club), take a good look at a real woman’s body. Pick someone who passed through puberty more than 10 minutes ago. Notice the wrinkles, lumps and bumps. “This is what living looks like. This is what loving and losing and hoping and caring do to bodies,” says Roth. “The goal of life is not to get through to the end and wind up looking like you just began. The goal is to allow yourself to have your life—and in doing so, to discover that you are the prize, the celebration, the only place where happiness can ever be found.”
2.Once you’ve looked at real women’s bodies for a while, find a full-length mirror, and look at yourself naked for at least three minutes. Do this once a week for six weeks. (That’s how long it will take to transform your Happines.) Look at all the sags, stretch marks and wrinkles, and tell yourself, “This is what living looks like. This is what loving looks like.”
Your stress
One of those ubiquitous polls examining how Americans live revealed that a mere 2% of us believe that our lives are in balance. If not in balance, how do 98% of us deal with the stress of living? By juggling.
The late Yale psychologist Daniel Levinson once interviewed homemakers and career women in their 40s about their attempts to balance work and family. Most of them laughed at the worn-out myth of the superwoman who just keeps on keeping on with great brilliance and flair. By 40, most of these former superwomen irritably conceded that the best they could do was just keep a few balls in the air.
“It’s absurd to think that for years, you’ll be able to balance work and family life, simultaneously running the school board, rising to the top of your profession, caring for your aging parents, and baking organic bread from scratch,” says Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., a scientist, psychologist, inspirational speaker and the author of Inner Peace for Busy Women and Inner Peace for Busy People.
It’s normal and natural for busy people to be like jugglers, trying to keep multiple balls in the air. And from time to time, we all can expect to drop a few. But what’s most important isn’t how high the balls soar; it’s staying centered, so your juggling act is more fun and skillful, Borysenko says.
To shift your focus from balancing to centering, quit trying to micromanage your life, and start managing yourself instead.
“Here’s the mind-set that good jugglers eventually internalize: You toss the ball. You keep your eye on the ball. You catch the ball, or you drop the ball. But one thing’s for certain. You’re not the ball, and your happiness isn’t dependent on how it flies through the air. Happiness is inside you,” says Borysenko.
To become a better juggler, follow these tips:
Do what’s counterintuitive. When you feel overwhelmed by the worry and pressure of having too much to do, drop all your balls. Take 20 minutes, and center yourself with a walk, a jog, a meditation session, or some breathing or stretching exercises. When you go back to juggling, it will flow much more organically, and you’ll most likely save time.
Do nothing. Find at least 20 minutes each day to do absolutely nothing, and schedule it on your calendar. Whether you call it loafing or just being, allow yourself a rest from constant doing, and you’ll return to your life refreshed and better able to juggle your activities.
Just say no. Decline any nonessential request that requires your time. Saying yes to lunch can be a half-day proposition. If you have trouble saying no, try responding with maybe. Tell your colleague that you’ll get back to her later. This will give you some breathing space to firm up your boundaries.
Your mother
Borysenko was in her early 40s before she began to relate to her mother as a person, rather than as her own private critic. The transformation occurred when her mother was dying. The family had gathered at the hospital to say their good-byes, but Borysenko’s mother had been whisked off for tests.
“After it was determined that the tests wouldn’t make any real difference, I took her back to her room. On the short elevator ride, a miracle unfolded. She looked deeply into my eyes, took my hand, and told me how much she loved me. Then she asked if I could forgive her for all the mistakes she’d made as a mother,” says Borysenko. “Years of pain melted away in the time it took for me to say yes.”
Why do relations between mothers and daughters seem so much more fraught than between mothers and sons? It’s in part because we don’t engage in the same dance of separation that boys do to find their own identities.
Research by psychologist Janet Surrey, Ph.D., and her colleagues at the Stone Center at Wellesley College found that girls develop a sense of self in relation to, rather than in opposition to, their mothers. That very closeness can sometimes make communicating with your mother frustrating and competitive if she sees you as an extension of herself.
If you’ve ever fantasized that your mom lies awake at night thinking up ways to be gnarly and intrusive, you’re not alone. But here’s the scoop: Most moms don’t pester their daughters out of meanness. They’re actually trying to express love and concern.
If you can train yourself to look beyond the surface of what seems like nitpicking and criticism, you can develop a deeper relationship with your mom, and separate from her in a healthy way. Here’s how to deal with a mother who’s brilliant at zeroing in on perceived mistakes you make in work, love, even your appearance.
1. Make a list of the most common criticisms that get your goat. Write out what you think may be your mother’s underlying concerns, and then practice a response that opens up genuine conversation rather than closing it down in defensiveness. Her real-life reaction will surprise you.
2. Write your mom a letter, call her, or tell her face-to-face about three specific things that you’re grateful to her for. Appreciation means a lot more when it’s grounded in specifics rather than generalizations. If she has passed on, you can light a candle and talk to her as if she were right there in the room with you.
3. Send a Mother’s Day card to a woman who isn’t your mother but who has encouraged you, and thank her specifically for the ways that she’s made a difference in your life.
Alisa Bauman is a freelance writer and editor based in Emmaus, PA.
June 18th, 2008 |